


First steps are always the hardest

by theDah



Series: Tumblr prompts / events [6]
Category: Rurouni Kenshin
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 09:32:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16910427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theDah/pseuds/theDah
Summary: The day Kaoru Kamiya buried her father, she got her first suitor.





	First steps are always the hardest

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Women of Rurouni Kenshin Week 2016, published in Tumblr at the time and now finally cross-posted here. :)
> 
> Women of Rurouni Kenshin Week, Day 1 - Kaoru  
> Prompt: Independence  
> Characters: Kamiya Kaoru, Maekawa Miyauchi + assorted original characters  
> Setting: pre-canon  
> Word count: 3787  
> Notes: Special thanks to @chierafied for fixing my grammar mishaps. As always, you are a dear friend. <3

The day Kaoru Kamiya buried her father, she got her first suitor.

He was a few years older than her, in his mid twenties, and she knew him by face, if not by name. She had seen him before, lingering around the market, helping to load carts and carry things.

“Your father is the greengrocer Ishikawa-san, isn’t he?” Kaoru asked hesitantly, wringing her hands inside her mourning kimono’s wide sleeves.

His eyes lit up and he smiled broadly, baring his crooked teeth. “You remember me then! That’s wonderful! I was afraid my admiration would come as a shock.”

Kaoru looked aside, “I, ah… Please, Ishikawa-san—”

“Please call me Noburou. Ishikawa-san is my father.” He interrupted her firmly and stepped beside her. His fingers stroked her arm, a gesture that might have been comforting had he been a close friend and not a total stranger. “Might I escort you home? I’d like to get to know you better so that you might consider my suit.”

There was something about his smile, about that look in his eyes, that made her stomach lurch, like a dozen of snakes coiling inside. Kaoru stared at her feet, trying to hide her grimace. She took a breath and spoke softly, hating the way her voice wavered under pressure. “I appreciate your concern, but… Noburou-san, please, I just buried my father. Could I have some time to think about this?”

“Of course.” Noburou inhaled sharply, his fingers clenching on her arm. “Of course you can, Kaoru-san. I understand your pain all too well… But, remember, if you need anything, I and my family are always willing to help you. It’s not good for a young lady like you to be alone, especially during these difficult times.”

He was right, of course.

As the last member of her clan, with no family to support her, Kaoru had only her house, deed of the land and some savings her father had left for her when he had been called to war. With him gone, her options were growing limited. Painful as that was for her to admit, it was the truth. Yet, no matter how helpful Noburou seemed, how practical his offer was… Kaoru felt like she was a trapped animal, the noose tightening around her throat, choking her.

No, this was all too much, too fast.

Kaoru forced herself to smile. “Thank you, Ishikawa-san. Your concern means a lot to me. However, I’d like to go home now… alone, if I could.”

“I see…” Noburou’s smile grew forced. “However, it’s not very safe for—”

“Nevertheless.” Kaoru insisted, trying to instill firmness to her tone. She was an assistant master in her family’s kendo style, she could hold her ground even when the grief was killing her, piece by piece like an insidious sickness.

Thankfully, whatever determination she managed was enough. Noburou let go of her arm and stepped back, giving her a slight bow. “Very well, Kaoru-san. I’ll see you later.”

A minuscule nod was all she managed, before turning her back and leaving through the temple gate. Her throat grew tighter with each step, until she felt like she couldn’t breathe at all. She gasped raggedly, struggling to keep walking as her eyes misted. No, no, no – she couldn’t start crying again. Not here, not where people might see her.

The tears didn’t listen. They spilled down her cheeks, smearing the little kohl she had managed to line her eyes with. Kaoru picked up her pace, cursing her fine kimono and high geta that restricted her steps.

She wasn’t used to wearing clothes like these, trying to behave like the young women of her status were expected to. She hadn’t needed to, not outside of important holidays and meetings her father had taken her along. But now she was the last of her name and all that freedom was gone. She had nothing but her land, her house and her reputation.

For a young woman of modest origins and plain looks, her reputation was everything. If she wrecked that…

 _Then no one will marry me._  Kaoru hiccupped and wiped her face with her sleeve.

It was a mistake.

The second she looked down, she saw the stain on the white silk; a mess of tears and kohl which even the most dedicated laundry washer would be hard pressed to get rid of. Unfortunately, domestic tasks were not Kaoru’s forte, so she had just managed to ruin her mourning kimono.

The realization struck hard and a strange gasp bubbled forth from her lips, followed by another… Until she finally realized she was laughing. She hadn’t even known it was possible to cry and laugh at the same time. She couldn’t say how long it took until she finally ran out of breath, but when she wiped her snot and tears to her ruined sleeves, she didn’t feel like she was choking anymore.

No, where there had been a dozen snakes slowly killing her, she could feel nothing but a numb echo of the pain.

She was not well, not by any means – but neither did se feel like the helpless shadow of a girl she had been after receiving the news that her father had died on the battlefield. No, she was Kaoru Kamiya, the daughter of Koshijirou Kamiya and she would find a way to survive.

 

* * *

 

 The next day, Kaoru dressed in her better kimono and headed to visit one of her family’s long standing allies. Maekawa-sensei had been her father’s rival, one of his oldest friends and the person who had helped her father to hone Kamiya Kasshin Ryu until it was a functional new style instead of a piecemeal of defensive moves thrown together for ideology’s sake. Maekawa-sensei had stood with the Kamiya when they had little… And now, Kaoru hoped he would do so again.

After the morning’s lesson ended, Kaoru approached the old sword master with a respectful bow.

“Maekawa-sensei, could I have a moment of your time?”

He smiled at her gently. “There’s no need to be so formal, Kaoru-chan. Your father was a good friend of mine. Of course I have time for you. Please, let us go somewhere a little quieter to have a talk and a cup of tea.”

Maekawa-sensei motioned to his son, “Toshito-kun, please start the next lesson for me.”

The young man gaped in shock, utterly flustered. “Da… err, sensei, really? You want me to… alone?”

“Yes. It’s good training for you, boy.” Maekawa sensei smiled, but there was a pained edge to his expression. Then he raised his voice and commanded the rest of the young men lingering in the dojo. “Start warming up. Toshito-kun will lead you through the kata. I’ll be back in a moment.”

Kaoru cringed slightly at his side, feeling rather awkward. Perhaps she should have waited until the end of the day? She hadn’t meant to inconvenience him…

Maekawa-sensei saw her hesitation. When he lead her out of the students’ earshot, he murmured, “Toshito has talent, but he doesn’t have the spine to command his peers. I have been trying to push him to take the lead, but nothing so far has worked.”

“How so?” Kaoru blinked, “I mean, what do you mean, sir?”

“Eh, no need to call me sir. You are like family to me, Kaoru-chan.” Maekawa-sensei smiled. “As for Toshito… well, my boy is smart but he hesitates too much. Doesn’t have the guts for leadership. It’s a shame, because I have been hoping he would inherit the dojo after I’m gone.”

Kaoru gasped, “No! Are you..?”

“No, nothing like that, my dear girl. Have no fear, I am as healthy as an ox.” Maekawa-sensei grinned confidently. “However, I am gaining on years and my joints aren’t quite the same as they used to be. If I am entirely truthful, I have been looking forward to handing some of my lessons to Toshito, to teach him the ropes while easing my own workload. A rather fine plan if I say so myself.”

At those words, the twisting pain flared anew in Kaoru’s guts. That fatherly pride was what she missed the most and it hurt to see it now, so soon after she had lost everything… Oh god, how it hurt. Still, Kaoru tried to keep smiling and agreed quietly. “Yes, sir.”

Maekawa-sensei noticed her difficulty and allowed her the grace of silence. For such kindness, Kaoru was thankful beyond words.

At the main house, Maekawa-sensei asked his wife Takako-san if she could brew them some tea, before leading Kaoru to their living room. All the while he kept the silence at bay with polite small talk. It eased the pressure on Kaoru’s heart, allowed her to breathe easier until she managed polite observations about decor and weather in turn.

A moment later Takako-san came to serve them tea, every inch of her displaying the grace of a real lady.

While the revolution had robbed samurai of their hereditary right, the elegance and manners of women of their former caste were still a sight to see. Kaoru observed it in silence, knowing that this was expected of her too. No one wanted a sweaty tomboy waving a wooden stick. No, if she didn’t want to lose the little she had, this what was she needed to become: a refined, polite and obedient wife.

“Thank you, dear. This is marvelous,” Maekawa-sensei said to his wife, a soft smile on his lips.

“You are welcome, dear,” Takako-san murmured, before bowing low. “If you need anything else, please let me know.”

“I will.” Maekawa-sensei nodded. His wife smiled a little before leaving. Then, he poured tea for them both. “So what did you want talk to me about, Kaoru-chan?”

Kaoru’s hands clenched, hidden in the sleeves of her kimono. Wetting her lips slightly, she began, “I… I wanted to ask for your advice, sir. About what to do now. Financially, I mean.”

“Ah, yes.” Maekawa-sensei sighed regretfully. “Of course. I shouldn’t have expected anything different. You have always had a good head on your shoulders, Kaoru-chan. I assume your father left everything to you?”  

“Yes.” Kaoru exhaled slowly. “I have some savings, enough to last me a while if I live sparingly. I have that, the house and title of the land.”

“Not an inconsiderable inheritance, if we think of the monetary value,” Maekawa-sensei murmured thoughtfully. “Please forgive me for speaking so frankly, but if you decide to sell, you wouldn’t have worry over a thing. Your house is old, but the land is near enough the city center to be worth a pretty penny. It might even rise in value, now that the trade is blooming with this western mania.”

“I know.” Kaoru looked to her lap and swallowed, choking as the noose pressed against her throat again. “I know it’s the most obvious solution. But… I grew up in that house. All my good memories are from that house. I… I…”

“Shhh, it’s alright my dear girl.” Maekawa-sensei murmured. “It’s alright. I understand your feelings completely and between us two, I am happy that you don’t want move away. Where would I come to visit you if you did, eh?”

Kaoru hiccupped, but managed to hold back the tears.

Maekawa-sensei smiled. “There you go, my dear girl. It’s alright. After all, a pretty young lady like yourself has plenty of options.”

“You mean marriage, don’t you?” Kaoru managed to choke out. The word left a bad taste in her mouth, its implications lingering on her tongue, bitter like a tang of poison.

“Yes,” she heard Maekawa-sensei confirm matter-of-factly. “It’s not something to rush with, but yes. After you have mourned, finding a reliable husband would solve all your problems quite neatly.”

He was right, of course.

Kaoru knew it, but the only thing she could think of was trying to behave like Maekawa-sensei’s lady Takako-san to that greengrocer’s son, always choosing polite words, never arguing, never talking back… Just smiling and bowing to a fucking opportunistic upstart like him.

A fucking greengrocer’s son daring to propose to her right after her father’s funeral.

How fucking desperate did they think she was?

Kaoru covered her mouth with her hand, trying to keep her fury in. She closed her eyes and swallowed, once, twice… Then she took a breath and murmured softly: “Yes, about that… I, ah,  I got my first proposal yesterday.”

“Oh…” Maekawa-sensei sighed, and clambered to his feet.

She heard clothes rustling, his heavy footsteps padding on the tatami floor as he circled the table. He sat down next to her, draping his thick arm around her shoulders and pulling her into an awkward hug. "There, there, dear girl. I should have known some bastard would dare. Your father was well liked and people mourned his passing… But unfortunately, many will see this as an opportunity.“

"I know.” Kaoru whispered. “Part of me even knew to expect it, but… I just, I couldn’t believe it. I mean, no one cared before.”

“Mhhm. ” Maekawa-sensei huffed, patting to her back gently, like he wasn’t quite sure how to comfort a daughter.

Kaoru was eternally grateful that he even bothered to try. This little show of comfort soothed the hurt in her heart just enough that she could hold back her tears. Breaking down here would be mortifying.  

But the thing was, Kaoru had always been a bit too plain to be courted; a bit too wild, a bit too rough around the edges to be considered a desirable match. For the boys in her social circle, she was a friend, not an object of interest.

And Kaoru had been perfectly fine with that.

To her, the swordsmanship and her father’s acceptance had been far more important than trying to be girly. But now, she was sixteen – in the prime marriageable age, and still, the first man who had expressed an interest had been doing so because of  _money_.

“I just… I fear that the only thing the men will want will be my inheritance,” Kaoru whispered, reaching to dry her eyes with her sleeve. “I, I… I was happy with what father and I had. The sword school was becoming successful and people were interested in studying a style that taught peace. It was father’s lifework, he gave his everything to it… And I don’t want to see it gone.”

“Hmmm, I see.” Maekawa-sensei murmured, his voice rumbling like a bear right by her ears. “It would be a shame to see it lost, that’s true. However, a majority of your suitors would walk away if you were to demand them to learn your family’s sword style first.”

“Yeah.” Kaoru snorted. “Besides, I doubt anyone would want their potential wife teaching them.”

“A teacher’s role is to be strict, that is true.” Maekawa-sensei agreed serenely. “It’s also a risk to turn down any potentially good suitors among that greedy lot coming to knock on your door. No, my dear girl, you will need a lot of patience in the coming days… However, I do have an idea when it comes to your sword style.”

Kaoru glanced up at him. “Really?”

Maekawa-san smiled, and Kaoru drew herself straighter. “Yes. How about you will come to teach during Toshito’s lessons? I would be happy to pay you for your help. I know how smart and capable you are. You could keep the students in line while Toshito learns some leadership from your example. And if after the basic lessons you want to show off your own sword style… I won’t object if you poach a few of my students.”

“I, ah… I’d love that.” Kaoru exhaled shakily before smiling, her eyes misting again. “Thank you, sir.”

 

* * *

 

Hope was a powerful thing. It lightened Kaoru’s step and pushed back the veil of grief enough for her to see a glimpse of a future beyond the ghastly cage of marriage she had nearly resigned to.

Maekawa-sensei trusted her, believed in her enough to allow her to  _teach_.

Oh gods, how she had missed teaching!

Since her father had left for war, the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu dojo had been closed and their few students had scattered to the winds. After all, Kaoru was only an assistant master and worse, a young woman. While she had lead classes with skill and patience, while she had stood in her father’s shadow… As long as the Master was gone, the lessons were canceled.

It had been nearly two months since then.

Kaoru had been diligently keeping up the house, making sure everything was in order in the large halls of the empty dojo no matter how long it’d take for her father to return… Only to hear it had been all for naught. Her father was gone forever, and with him, she had lost her freedom and her dream of becoming a Master in her own right in the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu.

 _No, don’t remember what used to be – focus on the future. You can teach! All is not lost, you stupid girl!_ Kaoru told herself firmly, walking a bit faster. The winter afternoon was chilly and she rubbed her arms, careful not to wrinkle her kimono any more than she had already done during that meeting with Maekawa-sensei.

Home was just ahead of her, when she spotted someone loitering near the gates. She nearly cursed at the sight, before exhaling slowly and forcing something alike a polite smile to her lips.

“Ishikawa-san.” Kaoru called out behind him, “I didn’t realize you were coming to visit.”

The greengrocer’s son spun around like a startled deer, then smiled broadly at her. “Kaoru-san, you look beautiful this afternoon.”

“I do..?” Kaoru gasped in surprise, her hand flying to her mouth. She hadn’t meant to give him any hope where there was none.

Ishikawa-san’s smile widened to display his crooked teeth. “Why yes, of course you are, Kaoru-san. Hasn’t anyone told you that before? And please, call me Noburou. We are hardly strangers by now, are we?”

“I, ah…” Kaoru looked aside and swallowed. His saccharine words sent shivers running down her spine, “Noburou-san, what are you doing here? I am in a bit of a hurry today.”

“You don’t remember?” He exclaimed loudly. “Kaoru-san, you promised to consider my suit. I understand yesterday was a difficult day for you, but surely you are feeling better today?”

“I am, a bit.” Kaoru admitted softly, staring at her feet and digging her fingers into her sleeves. The uncomfortable feeling was worsening with each of his bold assumptions and while Kaoru knew it would be extremely rude to turn down a suit, especially face to face without even pretending to consider it… she truly didn’t want to see him again. “But Ishikawa-san—”

“Noburou. Call me Noburou.” He interrupted her, stepping close to her, reaching to tuck her longer bangs behind her ear.

The intimate touch turned Kaoru’s stomach. Didn’t he have any sense of propriety? Didn’t he have any manners at all? She bit her lip anxiously, trying to find the polite words. “I, ah.. Please, Noburou-san.”

“Yes, Kaoru?” He murmured softly, looking down at her like she was a morsel on a plate.

It was disgusting.

“You know you can say anything to me. Anything at all.”

Kaoru took a deep breath. Her sleeves fluttered as her hands clenched into tight fists. “Please unhand me. I’m afraid you assume too much, Ishikawa-san. I am not interested in you nor do I find any benefit in joining our families in a marriage.”

“What?” He gasped, his grip of her shoulders growing so tight it was nearly painful. “What do you mean?”

Fear churned inside her as she looked up, meeting the anger in his eyes. He was taller than her by a good two hand spans and he was strong, undoubtedly because of lifting and carrying heavy merchandise for his father’s business. And yet, yet… her fear was not enough to overpower her reason. She had seen men like him. She had fought and won against men stronger than him in practice matches.

True, then she hadn’t been wearing her pretty kimono and she had had the comforting weight of over three feet of sturdy oak in her hands. But the fact stood, she wasn’t weak enough to cower in front of his rage.

“No,” Kaoru said evenly. “I am saying no. I am not interested in you now, nor will I ever be.”

“You, you can’t mean that…“ He almost snarled. "You are a girl. You have nothing – you need a man, someone with a family to support you.”

“And those are your winning qualities?” Kaoru hissed, her temper boiling over and then even her manners were not enough to hold back her rage. “Don’t be ridiculous! Half of the people in the town are men and most of them have a family. If that’s all you have, then you are nothing. Just who do you think I am?”

He recoiled, staring at her like he had never seen her before. “You, you – bitch!”

Kaoru grinned, “you can call me a bitch all you want, but first – get off my lawn.”

He didn’t need to be told twice. Gaping at her in shock, he let go of her, taking a step backwards, then another, and another before he turned around and ran away, his tail between his legs.

It was strangely satisfying to see him go like a pathetic cur he was.

The adrenaline thrummed in her veins and her heart beat fast like a war drum in a kabuki play, but her fear had melted before the sweet taste of victory and for the first time in nearly two months Kaoru felt like herself. Not like a lonely little girl waiting for her father to return. Not like an assistant master staring at the empty dojo, fearing that this was all she would ever see because she hadn’t been good enough to be trusted to handle the lessons alone. Not like a pathetic failure of a daughter, who had always been too wild and rambunctious to fulfill the expectations of girls born to an old and respectable samurai family.

No, right now… She was only Kaoru Kamiya, a young woman who didn’t want or need a man looking after her.

She was not that desperate little girl.

No. She had options and by the gods, even if she had to do it all by herself, she would see her father’s dream come true and live in a manner befitting of a daughter of Koshijirou Kamiya.

Her head held high, Kaoru turned and headed to the dojo, going to fetch her training armor and swords.

She had lessons to prepare for.

 


End file.
